the road don't go forever so Ride it while it lasts

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that I had some plans but it was not yet time to share....

Well count your lucky stars because it's tiiime.


Monday afternoon I quit my job.

This was a very difficult decision. I had been chewing over these plans for three months but as usual doubts filled my head. I like my job, it's a career with promise to be sure.

But it's not enough

I need adventure. I need to fullfill dreams I have had for a long long time ...

So in July I will packing everything I own into my car and driving out west. My best friend Valcano will be flying home for a visit and  then together we will embark on the most epic road trip known to (wo)man. We'll be camping along the way and stopping to see a few friends.

I honestly CANNOT even begin to explain how excited I am for this. I have always always always wanted to see the entire country-I always thought I would do it one day via train, however THIS is a kajillion times better no? Blaring some Trampled by Turtles, Devil Makes 3 and Blind Melon, smoking by day and drinking by night with my bestie. What more could a girl ask for?

So what am I going to do once I'm in Vancouver you ask?

Doesn't matter. But I will be surrounded by mountains, ocean and most importantly-friends.

The view in my head goes a little something like this:

Wreck beach, Lovely Lady L, lions den, N-Raz and T, Tofino and surfing,Valcano, Climbing trees and singing Damo, Shambles Soup, Whistler, Stanley Park, EVERYONE ELSE, Grouse Grind, work, save, and then come January...JET SET LIFE.

At the moment I'm planning on Thailand, but that is completely up in the air. All that matters is being in a beautiful climate, getting my hands dirty and helping people. Changing the world one smile at a time.

You might be getting sick of this ...but....Thank you ex.
Without you the world would be missing me. And I have so much to give.

Like taking a bullet

This weekend I discovered, that at some point I murdered my shoulder angel. I won't get into the details, but I acted on every impulse I had. I threw caution to the wind, went "balls to the walls" and lived.

Upon reflection, the series of increasingly hilarious and poor decisisons started after a mutual friend told me that EX was in a relationship. That was like taking a bullet. Today it will be 3 months since we broke up, 3 months after 6 years. What a way to rebound!
I felt terrible for half a minute, trying desperately to swallow this information. And then I started laughing! He said he wanted a different life, but instead just swapped people and kept the same life. I on the other hand have been having wild crazy awesome times running amok and behaving for the first time in my life as a man would.

This little tidbid should have sent me plummeting into a depression that wiped my self esteem off the face of the planet. However later that night I went to a club in jeans, an oversized sweater and loafers, soaked from the rain and still managed to grab the attention of a super cute guy without even trying.

With every new sunrise and every new bit of information I am increasinlgy thankful that my life has gone in the direction that it has. I am 100% positive that the Universe is unfolding as it should and therefore I am at peace because I KNOW that something great is coming my way.

This was my theme song from this past weekend, and now life.

Tattood on my forehead

Been a while.

What's happened? TONS

This past weekend was May 2-4. Don't remember a nicer one, usually it rains. This year was a beaut! I was up in Hali, love that town. Just enough that it hurts to go, but I know I would go insane if I stayed there. The expression "You can never go home" never applied to me, thank goodness. It's because of the people. It's always the people. But that's what really matters isn't it? Not where you are but who you are with. Wish I could shove you all in my back packet and pull you out all the time!

Lately I have noticed that I am constantly meeting people, men in particular but not all cases, who are in the same situation as I. Meaning freshly out of relationships, most of them long, 6 or 7 years as well. Beyond that fact I have also been attracted to these people. I suddenly feel like I have this giant tattoo on my forehead and so  do they, a giant neon sign flashing "Hey over here. You two have LOTS to talk about. Believe me. You are also looking for the same things. Enjoy." Is this because some sort of chemical we give off or a cosmic intervention? People placed along your path at the opportune moment to learn from, to teach other, to inspire and remind? We all deal with things different but it's always easier to know that you aren't going it alone.  

I have made some plans that I would like to share, unfortunately now is not the time.

However I have decided it's time for tattoo 2.

I know where and what colour, I am just not 100% on what yet. That what is pretty ridiculously important. When I am decided on that I'll let you know.

Words to live by. to love bye.

My Aunt has this wonderful word that she made up, "Isness" as in, this is the isness of the situation.

When I first heard it, I thought it was clever and very Taoist. This word has since become a staple in my venacular that is used daily. Can't change it so deal with it.

Below are quotes that I have collected over the years that have helped me, most becoming at one point or another a mantra for a time. I am positive that you will have heard or read most or all of these somewhere at sometime. But when we get thrown into the storm and feel like our ship is sinking it is easy to forget that the sun is still hiding behind the rain clouds. These words have touched me and tought me to bring in my sails and climb to the top of the crows nest screaming "is that all you got" until the storm has passed and the waters are calm again.

I'll warn you..there are ALOT

"If you're going through hell, keep going"-Sir Winston Churchill
"I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul"-Henley
"The soul knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind"
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us"-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years" Abraham Lincoln
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
“The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.” – Art Van Der Leeuw
"The purpose of life is a life of purpose"-Robert Byrne
"There are no extrodinary men, just ordinatry men in extrodinary situations"
"Strive not to be a sucess, but rather to be of value"-Albert Einstein
“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge-Albert Einstein
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and impossible to find it elswhere"-Agnes Repplier
"In 3 words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; IT GOES ON"-Robert Frost
"The human spirit is stronger than anything that happens to it"-C.C Scott
"A human being's first responsibility is to shake hands with himself."-Henry Wrinkler
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle"-Plato
"It's better to live a half life fully than a full life halfways"-Some guy I met in Europe
"The world is a balance between holding on and letting on-"Oasis hostel bar wall
-See Desiderata (I had written it out here once, but deleted it along with the rest of previous posts)

Courage is the discovery that you may not win and trying when you know you can loose
Honor is standing for what you believe not for what you know
Life isn't about living without problems Life is about solving problems
If you plow the field everyday the only thing that grows is resentment
Compassion is passion with a heart
The only thing in the whole universe people need to control is their attitudes
How a person wins and loses is much more important than how much a person wins and loses
If you only do what you know you can do-you never do very much
There are no failures, just experiences and your reactions to them
Getting what you want is not nearly as important as giving what you have
Going on a journey with a map requires following directions, going on a journey without one requires following your heart
Talent without humility is wasted
If you don't want it bad enough to risk loosing it-you don't want it bad enough
When life knocks you down you have two choices - STAY DOWN OR GET UP
-Tom Krause

Told you there were alot.

PEACE

Just knew it couldn't be drama free....

Wish I could say I was still taking the high road.

Just told EX to do the world a favour and go catch aids.

ooppps.

funny thing is, that's the nicest of deaths I have imagined for him!  I am moving out of the house and leaving with it my hopes, dreams, plans and most importantly animals in two days time. This is rough for me, and yet he has no sympathy and keeps pointing fingers at me thinking that he has done nothing wrong and I deserve this!

so he thinks he deserves to have an easy ride through out all this. he is actually complaining to me that he has to sleep on a couch! oh my you poor poor thing..see this violin im holding..no? it's THAT small!

there's that word again...deserve. it keeps coming up in my posts, conversations and thoughts.

is this an ideal that I keep chasing or is it more like all is fair in love and war?

well this relationship has officially turned into war

and my love is now blackened to hate

my memories are all tarnished

when it comes to him-i like it that way

The 6 Year Con

Wrote a novel about this yesterday. Decided to keep taking the high road instead. I'll keep it just for me, when I need a little pick-me-up.

Learned some very interesting information this past weekend.

Knowledge really is power.

I found myself starting to miss you last week. but after this bomb was dropped, by golly do I realize that it is impossible to miss you, because I have no  idea who you are.

I don't blame you for leaving me to "find yourself", you are a shell, you project to people what you want them to see. Did you mean anything you said or did? Do you mean anything you say or do  even now? it must be so tiring being all these different characters. I wasn't wrong when I said that you don't know what love is, you just do as your told. Here's a clue, it WAS right infront of you. that was love.

Looking back now I see so many of the signs. I should have known better than to trust you. but I am amazing for giving you so much faith when you didn't deserve it. That is a true test of my character.

I do feel foolish though.

Can't believe you tricked me for so long. but the good news is, the veil of my mourning has been lifted and the sun is shining bright on my future.

which I have, because I have a plan. do you?

The irony here is just the best! you left me to be happy, and now your lonely and miserable, and I-the weak and vulnerable one-have come out fighting with an inner force driving me, I am already happy! happy that I just dodged a major bullet.

so I should thank you for your infinitely selfish ways. they saved me. I have learned so much these past three weeks. Just because you forced me into this situation doesn't mean you taught me though, you get no credit. this is all me.

you will one day look back on this decision with deep regret, knowing that it was the worst decision you ever made, however I already know that it has been the best decision made for me.

You need to learn that happiness is not a right or privelage, it isn't earned or won, nor does it just happen. It's a choice.

Baggage, at least mine's Prada

This past weekend my fav cousin asked me last minute to hit the town with him. Seeing as it was his last night in Ottawa and I was in desperate need to leave my troubles on the dance floor I jumped at the offer!

We ended up at the Honest Lawyer, a venue I had not been to before!

Within a short while of being there these two guys stopped to talk to me and a friend. Before you knew it I was in the swing of it, flirting up a storm. We hit the dance floor. And the chemistry was unreal! Suffice to say I was about to make a poor decision when my cousin stopped me. He explained the situation to the guy and I went on my merry way. About 15 minutes later, to my utter astonishment he was at my side. I looked at him and asked "I guess my cousin told you eh?" He shrugged, said yes and asked me for my number.

(I don't think this will go anywhere, I don't especially want it to. He was after all the first boy to talk to me my first night out as a single lady, but I believe his purpose was to PROVE to me that other people can make my heart beat faster)

My point is this: Baggage

I was afraid that once he found out I had all this baggage he would run away scared, and in the future so would other potential suitors.

But the more I think about this term, the more I find it to be unsuitable. Actually- darn right damaging to the way we deal with negative experiences.

When standing on a crowded bus it is common courtesy to remove your backpack. A purse can be left behind in a fitting room, or stolen from. When flying there are limitations on baggage:  purses count as carry ons. The other carry on must fit in a certain space. But not only that, there are limitations to what is IN my carry on baggage. Checked luggage can only weigh so much, or else there is fee to pay.

Even though life is a journey....Life is not an airport.

Emotional scars are not the same as baggage. They do not hinder me. I have no limitations to the amount I can bring with me. No one can steal my pain away (although sometimes I wish you could) and I can not easily forget it. There is no weight or size limitations that your soul can hold. The only common courtesy is to not obsess and wail in public about them. Instead I view each "baggage" situation as a learning experience. Not something that weighs me down but makes makes me lighter with wisdom and experience and knowledge to take on the world with gusto and confidence. All life experiences be it good or bad teach me, show me, shape me into someone stronger and wiser, these characteristics do not limit me but aid me in my trip.

So here is the thing; you can either view your life's nastier experiences as a Brand New Shiny Vintage Dior, or you can complain about the out-of-the-trunk knock off that fell apart to soon.

As in all things in life. It's your choice.