Words to live by. to love bye.

My Aunt has this wonderful word that she made up, "Isness" as in, this is the isness of the situation.

When I first heard it, I thought it was clever and very Taoist. This word has since become a staple in my venacular that is used daily. Can't change it so deal with it.

Below are quotes that I have collected over the years that have helped me, most becoming at one point or another a mantra for a time. I am positive that you will have heard or read most or all of these somewhere at sometime. But when we get thrown into the storm and feel like our ship is sinking it is easy to forget that the sun is still hiding behind the rain clouds. These words have touched me and tought me to bring in my sails and climb to the top of the crows nest screaming "is that all you got" until the storm has passed and the waters are calm again.

I'll warn you..there are ALOT

"If you're going through hell, keep going"-Sir Winston Churchill
"I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul"-Henley
"The soul knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind"
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us"-Ralph Waldo Emerson
"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years" Abraham Lincoln
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
“The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced.” – Art Van Der Leeuw
"The purpose of life is a life of purpose"-Robert Byrne
"There are no extrodinary men, just ordinatry men in extrodinary situations"
"Strive not to be a sucess, but rather to be of value"-Albert Einstein
“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge-Albert Einstein
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves and impossible to find it elswhere"-Agnes Repplier
"In 3 words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; IT GOES ON"-Robert Frost
"The human spirit is stronger than anything that happens to it"-C.C Scott
"A human being's first responsibility is to shake hands with himself."-Henry Wrinkler
"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle"-Plato
"It's better to live a half life fully than a full life halfways"-Some guy I met in Europe
"The world is a balance between holding on and letting on-"Oasis hostel bar wall
-See Desiderata (I had written it out here once, but deleted it along with the rest of previous posts)

Courage is the discovery that you may not win and trying when you know you can loose
Honor is standing for what you believe not for what you know
Life isn't about living without problems Life is about solving problems
If you plow the field everyday the only thing that grows is resentment
Compassion is passion with a heart
The only thing in the whole universe people need to control is their attitudes
How a person wins and loses is much more important than how much a person wins and loses
If you only do what you know you can do-you never do very much
There are no failures, just experiences and your reactions to them
Getting what you want is not nearly as important as giving what you have
Going on a journey with a map requires following directions, going on a journey without one requires following your heart
Talent without humility is wasted
If you don't want it bad enough to risk loosing it-you don't want it bad enough
When life knocks you down you have two choices - STAY DOWN OR GET UP
-Tom Krause

Told you there were alot.

PEACE

Just knew it couldn't be drama free....

Wish I could say I was still taking the high road.

Just told EX to do the world a favour and go catch aids.

ooppps.

funny thing is, that's the nicest of deaths I have imagined for him!  I am moving out of the house and leaving with it my hopes, dreams, plans and most importantly animals in two days time. This is rough for me, and yet he has no sympathy and keeps pointing fingers at me thinking that he has done nothing wrong and I deserve this!

so he thinks he deserves to have an easy ride through out all this. he is actually complaining to me that he has to sleep on a couch! oh my you poor poor thing..see this violin im holding..no? it's THAT small!

there's that word again...deserve. it keeps coming up in my posts, conversations and thoughts.

is this an ideal that I keep chasing or is it more like all is fair in love and war?

well this relationship has officially turned into war

and my love is now blackened to hate

my memories are all tarnished

when it comes to him-i like it that way

The 6 Year Con

Wrote a novel about this yesterday. Decided to keep taking the high road instead. I'll keep it just for me, when I need a little pick-me-up.

Learned some very interesting information this past weekend.

Knowledge really is power.

I found myself starting to miss you last week. but after this bomb was dropped, by golly do I realize that it is impossible to miss you, because I have no  idea who you are.

I don't blame you for leaving me to "find yourself", you are a shell, you project to people what you want them to see. Did you mean anything you said or did? Do you mean anything you say or do  even now? it must be so tiring being all these different characters. I wasn't wrong when I said that you don't know what love is, you just do as your told. Here's a clue, it WAS right infront of you. that was love.

Looking back now I see so many of the signs. I should have known better than to trust you. but I am amazing for giving you so much faith when you didn't deserve it. That is a true test of my character.

I do feel foolish though.

Can't believe you tricked me for so long. but the good news is, the veil of my mourning has been lifted and the sun is shining bright on my future.

which I have, because I have a plan. do you?

The irony here is just the best! you left me to be happy, and now your lonely and miserable, and I-the weak and vulnerable one-have come out fighting with an inner force driving me, I am already happy! happy that I just dodged a major bullet.

so I should thank you for your infinitely selfish ways. they saved me. I have learned so much these past three weeks. Just because you forced me into this situation doesn't mean you taught me though, you get no credit. this is all me.

you will one day look back on this decision with deep regret, knowing that it was the worst decision you ever made, however I already know that it has been the best decision made for me.

You need to learn that happiness is not a right or privelage, it isn't earned or won, nor does it just happen. It's a choice.

Baggage, at least mine's Prada

This past weekend my fav cousin asked me last minute to hit the town with him. Seeing as it was his last night in Ottawa and I was in desperate need to leave my troubles on the dance floor I jumped at the offer!

We ended up at the Honest Lawyer, a venue I had not been to before!

Within a short while of being there these two guys stopped to talk to me and a friend. Before you knew it I was in the swing of it, flirting up a storm. We hit the dance floor. And the chemistry was unreal! Suffice to say I was about to make a poor decision when my cousin stopped me. He explained the situation to the guy and I went on my merry way. About 15 minutes later, to my utter astonishment he was at my side. I looked at him and asked "I guess my cousin told you eh?" He shrugged, said yes and asked me for my number.

(I don't think this will go anywhere, I don't especially want it to. He was after all the first boy to talk to me my first night out as a single lady, but I believe his purpose was to PROVE to me that other people can make my heart beat faster)

My point is this: Baggage

I was afraid that once he found out I had all this baggage he would run away scared, and in the future so would other potential suitors.

But the more I think about this term, the more I find it to be unsuitable. Actually- darn right damaging to the way we deal with negative experiences.

When standing on a crowded bus it is common courtesy to remove your backpack. A purse can be left behind in a fitting room, or stolen from. When flying there are limitations on baggage:  purses count as carry ons. The other carry on must fit in a certain space. But not only that, there are limitations to what is IN my carry on baggage. Checked luggage can only weigh so much, or else there is fee to pay.

Even though life is a journey....Life is not an airport.

Emotional scars are not the same as baggage. They do not hinder me. I have no limitations to the amount I can bring with me. No one can steal my pain away (although sometimes I wish you could) and I can not easily forget it. There is no weight or size limitations that your soul can hold. The only common courtesy is to not obsess and wail in public about them. Instead I view each "baggage" situation as a learning experience. Not something that weighs me down but makes makes me lighter with wisdom and experience and knowledge to take on the world with gusto and confidence. All life experiences be it good or bad teach me, show me, shape me into someone stronger and wiser, these characteristics do not limit me but aid me in my trip.

So here is the thing; you can either view your life's nastier experiences as a Brand New Shiny Vintage Dior, or you can complain about the out-of-the-trunk knock off that fell apart to soon.

As in all things in life. It's your choice.

New Twittiot!

Yes, I've done it. I have added one more profile, one more password, one more media outlet to make me feel connected to the world by sitting at my computer. Yet another thing I have to update.

But I hear it's educational. Why not?

Follow me @jaclysmurf.

It's a nick name given to me by a dear friend, LittleMerm.

1 Week.

Has it been such a short time? Really?

Feels like a years has passed.

Monday I went the whole day without crying-go me! I went for the longest jog in my life followed by 20 minutes pilates.

Tuesday I did NOT go the whole day without crying because EX called me at work and told me what a horrible person I am and that I brought this on myself.

K????

So I smashed it out by running even farther and pushing myself ever harder! Then I came home and made eggplant parmesan and it was awesome.

I'm awesome.

I think I have finally came to a conclusion about what I am going to do ....

Not the best idea in legal terms....but for heart and mind it is.

"The Soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind"

I quit smoking three weeks ago tomorrow! Eff I'm strong.

Thank EX for showing me how strong I really am! YOU have NO IDEA!

Also replaced hot water with lemon instead of coffee.

AND I have nails. No more bitting/picking....interesting when one thing is removed how easily I can accomplish the things that most help ME!!

Today I take life into my own hands. Today I choose happiness.

No one Breaks me

When I started this blog ohhh 8ish months ago I did not know how accurate the name would be.

"Tiny Stranger"

I thought this was cute, referring to my stature and the feeling that I was introducing myself into this blog world; a stranger to you.

Unbenownst to me at that time was how accurate this self proclaimed title would become....

You may have noticed that the previous posts have dissapeared. I have just finished a complete computer, camera and even facebook album cleanse of all things EX, the person formally known as Chef.

Next will be the hardcopy photo ceremonial burning. Complete with sacrificial wine, dancing and wailing.

All jokes aside, I have in the past three days successfully wiped him from my social media life. I have also pushed the "why"s down and focused entirely on what is to come next. This is the most difficult part considering I had the rest of my life figured out.

In a way he has given me a gift. He has given me the opportunity to be another Jaclynn, one that I had dreamed of, the humanitarian, the volunteer and activist, the traveller.

As I find myself letting go of the person I had become and the dreams she had dreamt, I am now in the dance of life between who I was and who I will become.

I truely am a stranger to myself.

But this isn`t a bad thing.